DATE: 06/14/2009 08:02:20 / MOOD: don't know

I wrote a post here yesterday but I deleted it afterwards. I'm afraid of opening to the rest of the world with my craziness. I'm afraid of being yelled at. I'm afraid of people's opinions coz I know I wouldn't be nice to the person who did what I have done. Anyways. I'm writing now.

Here you have some fragments of my yesterdays post:

Too many things have happened since I wrote my last post in here. Moving form one place to another, holidays, new people and situations. I don't like all of them, there's something to regret. I shouldn't have done some things.

Of course there's been a lot of good. But how's that I keep regretting and thinking about mistakes? Is what have happened my fault? How could I let things happen? The worst is that I can't change any of this now. Luckily I'm far away from those who I hurt. I don't need to play now. At least not all the time.

I'm a bitch. That's how it is right now. For me.

That's too much.

So that how it is. Life's going on and me somwhere in the middle. I don't know what to do. i don't know what to do with my life, don't know what to do with me. I just wander around keeping thinking, missing, regretting. Too many fellings that are often contrary one to another.

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DATE: 05/27/2009 10:32:47 / MOOD: bored

I feel like eating again. Waiting is dangerous. So next 9 days are going to be dangerous.

Tomorrow is the last day at my at-the-moment-uni (the 3rd one, which is quite impressing when you take into account that I'm a 3rd year student..).

So. The weather is beautiful but I can't go cycling as I would do if I were at home. But I am not. I don't want to go for a walk coz I walked enough today. I do want to do nothing. Well, actually not nothing, but as I can't do what I want I'm doing nothing. Hmm, that's not inspiring. Bueh

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DATE: 05/26/2009 07:37:27 / MOOD: don't know

I was attacked by a man carrying a bunch of leaflets advertising a shop with "plus size clothes for big women". Hate it, especially because I am not so fat that I need to buy clothes in such a store.

Then, a cute guy "send me a kiss" while I was walking home from school.

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DATE: 05/26/2009 01:08:08 / MOOD: disappointed

I hate being yelled at just for being myself. And why the hell I feel disappointed instead of angry in situations like that?!

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DATE: 05/25/2009 10:25:27 / MOOD: other

Anxiety is a strange thing. It appears out of nowhere and somehow manages to affect all my bodyphysically. In one moment, the only thing I can feel is some kind of gulp in my chest/throat, I start breathing faster than normal and my thoughts automatically go to food.

Am I SO afraid of people and situations that include more than 5 minutes of interaction?

Yes, at that point of my life I am.

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DATE: 05/24/2009 13:55:55 / MOOD: don't know

So.. Let's start!

 My journey has started long time ago. I can't actually remember when exactly, probably the moment i was born or soon after.

Anyway, some time ago I lost about 15kilos (from 83kg - actually it's not my starting weight as at the start point I was to afraid to check how heavy I was - to 69kg) and wasn't overweigt for the first time in my "adult" life. Soon afterwards I gained again that weight and started my battle with binge eating. And here I am.

Before the winter I weighted about 75kg, but then i gaind 8kg again...

Now I weigh 79kg and I just try to live healthy which is not as easy as it may sound...

I've been eating more or less "normally" for more than a week and I'm unbelievably proud of myself. And afraid at the same time...

I will be moving in less than to weeks. I'm going to spend a month at my parents' and then move one more time to UK. In the meantime I should find a job and do some work for my uni. All of that scares me. A lot

 

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